If you have found this you have recently been made aware that I have made a change in my Tagger Name. There are many reasons for me doing this and to illustrate that the change is in no way an attempt to hide, be secretive, or be something I am not I am directing everyone I can here to be enlightened to why I am making this change. I have never, since the day I got online, hid who I am, what I am, or what I stand for. Therefore I write this letter for whom ever wishes to understand more about the person I truly am. If you wish to read this then by all means do so… it will be rather long winded….

For those of you who do not care to know more… That is up to you and I do not judge you for it but do not judge me if you chose not to read on.

In the last year or two I have….

~Become more active as a Tagger, acquired quite a number of new members, lost quite a few and removed many for numerous reasons.

~Started a new teaching group and thus have members there that wish to learn and grow and progress in their abilities as taggers and creators.

~Made some enemies along the way that I never intended to make but alas I have.

~Left many groups due to the fact that they were not copyright compliant.

~Joined others that were… Learning lots of new things, and understanding more and more about being a safe tagger.

~Became more reclusive in the groups I am still a member of and not chatted or participated as much as I used to.

This has made me become more aware of the growing changes within myself.

So thus I have done a great deal of soul searching and seeking of who I am at this juncture of my life. The place I have chosen to start making a change is my Tagger, online name.

I have been known by only 2 names the entire time I have been online. These names coincided with phases in my life and where my path traveled.

The moniker InkkFreakk has served me well in many ways. Mostly for personal reasons.

But it is time to move on to a new phase in my ever changing self and life.

From the time I was 25 I started following my Native American Indian Path. I shed my birth given name, took a name that was gifted to me by a Shaman friend and walked a new path in life.. I will be 40 next year in July…. I wish to continue to grow, progress, change, and improve. The InkkFreakk moniker is not who I am at this point in my life. Yes I am an InkkFreakk and anyone who knows me knows it is because of my tattoos. But my tattoos are not an accurate representation of the whole me… only a portion of what you see on the outside and a glimpse of what dwells within…

So let’s move on to what I have changed my name to and why.

Interested?… well then keep reading till the end….

The name ………… N’eonTurtle …………… has chosen me……

Why you ask yourself? Well…. It is a play on words and has significant meaning for me.

There are 3 words within this name.

The first is Neon…….

Neon…… is a gaseous element occurring in the atmosphere (space) to the extent of 18 parts per million. It is also used in display and television tubes. It can also denote very bright colors.

The second is Eon…..

Eon…… is an indefinitely long period of time, an age. The longest division of geologic time containing 2 or more eras. The Greek form is spelled aion.

The third of course is Turtle….

Turtle…… turtle is one of the animals I strongly identify with. It is also one of my totem animals.

Shall I explain how I ended up with it?,,, lol ok ….

Keep in mind that I am an individual and as such I am different than any of you,

We are all different from each other… remember that.. do not judge others for that difference .. instead seek to know more about who they are and try to reach and understanding of what they sand for in their lives.. even if you do not agree with it.

First let’s explore the word Neon….

I associate with it because I am brightly colored… All of my Tattoos are very colorful.. I am a walking billboard for art.. lol .. It is also a form of gas out in our atmosphere.. floating around a very minuscule part of space. I am but one in a million others here on our planet and in this universe. As with the neon out in space.. we do not how it got there but it has purpose… I too have purpose.. I may not have a completely clear understanding of what that purpose is, all I can do until that day of reckoning is to do the best I possibly can to be the kind of person who stands up for what I believe in .. even if I stand alone… Stand my ground, be honest, be kind to this earth and others, enjoy the good things in life, work through the difficult times all the while reaching within to keep myself centered and balanced.

Now let’s explore the word Eon……

A very long period of time. On many days during my life I have felt that I have walked this earth before this lifetime. The word Eon speaks volumes to me in many ways. For me it can denote an “Old Soul”……. One who is young in years but who can call upon an infinite wisdom. I have on several occasions in my life been told by Elders that I am an old soul. A Shaman friend told me that I have walked this earth previous to this lifetime. Sometimes I feel as if I see myself from a place outside myself in my dreams. I wish to explore this and learn more.

Now let’s explore Turtle……

I think this part will be pretty self explanatory…

http://peacefulrivers.homestead.com/thepowerofanimals.html

This is a portion of Turtle medicine. You can read all the animal medicines in the book: Medicine Cards by Jamie Sams and David Carson. Visit medicinecards.com to learn more.

Mother Earth

Turtle… Great Mother,

Feed my spirit,

Clothe my heart,

That I may serve you too.

In Native American teachings, Turtle is the oldest symbol for planet Earth. It is the personification of goddess energy, and the eternal Mother from which our lives evolve. We are born of the womb of Earth, and to her soil our bodies will return. In honoring the Earth, we are asked by Turtle to be mindful of the cycle of give and take, to give back to the Mother as she has given to us.

Turtle has a shell which is similar to the protection that Earth has employed for centuries as her body has been defiled. Mother Earth’s protection has come in the form of Earth changes, new plant growth, the creation of new land masses by volcanoes, and climate alteration. Like Turtle, you also have shields that protect you from hurt, envy, jealousy, and the unconsciousness of others. Turtle teaches you, through its habit patterns, how to use protection. If you are bothered by the actions or words of others, it is time to go inside yourself and honor your feelings. If you are attacked, it is time to give a warning snap.

If you have chosen the Turtle symbol, you are being asked to honor the creative source within you, to be grounded to the Earth, and to observe your situation with motherly compassion. Use the water and earth energies, which represent Turtle’s two homes, to flow harmoniously with your situation and to place your feet firmly on the ground in a power stance.

Turtle is a fine teacher of the art of grounding. You may even be able to overcome some of your “space cadet” tendencies if you align with Turtle medicine. In learning to ground, you are placing focus on your thoughts and actions and slowing to a pace that assures completion.

Turtle buries its thoughts, like its eggs, in the sand, and allows the sun to hatch the little ones. This teaches you to develop your ideas before bringing them out in the light. Look at the old fable of the tortoise and the hare, and decide for yourself whether or not you would like to align with Turtle. Bigger, stronger, and faster are not always the best ways to get to a goal. When you arrive, you may be asked where you’ve been and you may not be able to remember. In that case, arriving prematurely can make you feel very immature.

If you draw the Turtle card, it augurs a time of connecting with the power of Earth and the Mother-Goddess within. This is a reminder of the ally you have in Mother Earth. It does not matter what situation you have created: ask her for assistance, and abundance will follow.

Also my finace has been drinking more … i am just sad…

He is such a wonderful man to let this ruin him and our lives. Why i wish I could Figure out. I don’t think it’s my place to understand… but maybe someday my guiding spirits will allow me to…

If anyone wishes to contact me the email is on the right over there.

I may post more later today… I don’t know yet..

There shouldn’t be so much saddnes in one person.

I accept myself completely.
I accept my strengths and my weaknesses,
My gifts and my shortcomings,
My good points and my faults.
I accept myself completely as a human being.
I accept that I am here to learn and grow, and
I accept that I am learning and growing.
I accept the personality I’ve developed, and
I accept my power to heal and change.
I accept myself without condition or reservation.
I accept that the core of my being is goodness and
That my essence is love, and
I accept that I sometimes forget that.
I accept myself completely, and in this acceptance
I find an ever-deepening inner strength.
From this place of strength, I accept my life fully and
I open to the lessons it offers me today.

I accept that within my mind are both fear and love, and
I accept my power to choose which
I will experience as real.
I recognize that I experience only the results
Of my own choices.
I accept the times that I choose fear
As part of my learning and healing process, and
I accept that I have the potential and power
In any moment to choose love instead.
I accept mistakes as a part of growth,
So I am always willing to forgive myself and
Give myself another chance.

I accept that my life is the expression of my thought, and
I commit myself to aligning my thoughts
More and more each day with the Thought of Love.
I accept that I am an expression of this Love.
Love’s hands and voice and heart on earth.
I accept my own life as a blessing and a gift.
My heart is open to receive, and I am deeply grateful.
May I always share the gifts that I receive
Fully, freely, and with joy.

~Author unknown~

Now to why I am writing all that…lol

It seems that recently my life… has.. well…. taken a turn for the worst.

The person I love so dearly is drinking himself to death. I sit here and wonder if he will realize what he is doing to us and our relationship, but more importantly, what he is doing to himself. I love him dearly but it is so very difficult to sit by and watch him do what he is doing. It makes me extremely sad. It will be our one year anniversary September 17th, no we aren’t married yet, that will be the one year mark of when we started dating. I am honored to have met this man. He is normally an awesome human being. But he is struggling with something beyond any of my understanding or knowledge. Tidbits here and there are all i can seem to understand. He is a very knowledgeable person and knows what this drinking is doing to his body, health, spirit and mind. I just don’t get it. I do not claim to understand the alcoholic , nor will I ever I suppose. I just wish deep in my heart he could find a way to make himself healthy again so we can be back on track with each other. I miss him so… maybe someday I will let him read this. Maybe someday he will truly see the sadness in my heart and in my eyes. I also hope that he presently sees the love I hold in my heart for him. And that if he doesn’t that he will soon. soon realize that he means the world to me.
I am in hopes that he will be able to soon find that peace and serenity in himself that I also seek in me. Our world is turned upside down and is not healthy.

I often sit and wonder those things I’m sure you all have wondered too. Those things that creep into your mind and make you doubt everything you believe in. See the last person I was in a long term relationship with…Fractured my face. He was also an alcoholic. I am pretty sure he was also using some kind of drugs. He was a very abusive person. Calling me horrible names, belittling me, telling others lies about me, beating me, hurting the ones around me I loved, and acting like a child would. I became paranoid, scared of everything, I cried all th time to relieve some of the stress I was going through, and I was too embarrassed to talk to anyone.

Serenity Prayer: What are the words?
The Serenity Prayer goes like this –
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next. Amen.

Serenity Prayer: What does it mean?
This beautiful prayer was written by a man named Reinhold Niebuhr in 1943. The words have special meaning to those who are often “looking for peace” at a time of turmoil, despair, or uncertainty in their lives. This prayer has become closely associated with 12 Step programs, offering strength and calm in pursuit of a more stable life.

First, through uttering these words, we are acknowledging God’s existence and recognizing that He is truly the only one who can bring us inner peace regardless of chaotic circumstances. His wonderful presence in our lives brings ‘serenity’ that can be found nowhere else. There is a Bible verse that says the peace of God is beyond all human understanding. “His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:7). Until we allow the ‘peace of God’ to enter into our mind, heart, and soul, we will never experience that ultimate peace that defies the most severe circumstances in life.

The prayer goes on to speak of accepting, courage, and wisdom. It all comes down to asking and allowing God to give us these things. In other words, it is surrendering to Him. The second part reminds us that our trust needs to be in God to work things out and recognizing that we usually don’t have any real control over hardships in this sinful world or the actions of others. Trust Him and live one day at a time, enjoying each moment.

Serenity Prayer: How do I put this into practice?
Perseverance and successes aren’t born out of good times. They are born out of trials. 1 Peter 4:12 says “. . .don’t be surprised at the fiery trials you are going through, as if something strange were happening to you.” The Bible tells us that we will go through trials and going through them makes us stronger. In our times of weakness, we learn to rely on God’s strength and He takes great delight when we trust in Him. We all desire to be needed and wanted; God wants this from us as well. He wants for us to turn to Him and trust Him.

Be encouraged — Christ Jesus is faithful; we can rest on Him, trusting Him always for the outcome. We don’t always understand the “why” of things that happen and we don’t always need to. Jeremiah 29:11 says, “‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ says the Lord. ‘They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.’” And in Hebrew 13:5, God says He will never leave us or forsake us. Never is long time. . .He is always there for us if we come to Him.

Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke fits perfectly, and the burden I carry is light” (Matthew 11:29-30).

In these Scriptures, we can see the relevance of the last phrase in the Serenity Prayer. If we surrender to Him, we can be supremely happy in Him, in this life and forever after.

Take a moment….. Sit back….. close your eyes….. and reflect on your own life. How do u feel right now? Do you feel sad, happy, tired, fearful? What is it that drives you today? What gives you will power and the faith to do what you do?.. Let your mind reflect even on the things you don’t want to right now… they are all part of you. Do you journal? do you keep a record of your life? or do you carry it all inside with no hard copy other than your heart, body, mind and soul? Pick one thing that makes you full of joy today.. is it your kids, your husband, your creativity or the ability to be who you are without the fear of being stifled and belittled for who and what you are? Do u fear speaking your mind, do you fear anything? Or have u come to that place within your self where you are content with yourself. Take out a piece of paper and a pen and write down the answers to these questions. If you dont journal then this would be a good starting place. The most important thing is to be completely honest with yourself.

What do I regret in my life? do I really regret anything? Can i change it? If not why?

Do I love who I am? Do I want to change anything about myself? If so why?

These are some things I have recently read in a book called…“Soul Catcher, A journal to help you become who you really are” by Kathy and Amy Eldon. You can find that book here.

I have went and purchased a new blank journal to do my new Soul Catcher Journal.

Now on to other things…today for me is like I said a blah one….lol… but I know that it will pass. I found some backgrounds I had made a while ago and thought I would share them. Not sure if anyone would really like them but if you do download please leave me a comment here on this post so I know that my efforts are appreciated. I will give a preview here with a link to download. These are in pspimage format. Only 1 layer. the zip file was created by Winrar, and it is a self extracting one.

Click the image to download the file

But what do I find when I get up?….NO FREAKIN INTERNET….says I’m connected.. but hello.. nothing works… we’ve been having internet issues for about a month now… I think its the router we have. Maybe it sucks….lol

So what is a gurl to do when she can’t do what she wants? Do what she has to, THAT’S WHAT!
Went to the gas station, sat in line for about 10 minutes there… some guy got pissed at me for taking a pump i had waited 10 minutes for and he had just pulled up…. WOW.. was he pissed….
lol I guess it’s just my day to piss people off without even intending to.lol
So then I went to the bank to cover my late night purchase last night (Deacon Black UU) and my car payment… ewwwww. Stood in line for over 30 minutes. *make note to self not to go to bank on Saturday mornings.* Got something to eat and went to my post office box. There was a Bday card there from the President of our company. Lol apparently I didn’t get it on my bday since I haven’t checked it in 2 weeks…lol (Bday was early July) Ok so I don’t like going out… not even shopping…. YES I AM A GURL WHO HATES SHOPPING!…not even the grocery store, and Omfg! DONT ASK ME TO GO TO COSTCO!!!…I’ve stepped foot in that place all of 3 times in as many years….It’s cram packed with rude people who all they do is shove you out of the way to get to that little freakin tidbit someone is offering at some little snack table that most likely isn’t good for you anyway.   And omg don’t get in the way of the elderly in line for their meds. They are grumpy assed people….lol…..ok next subject or I will never stop…lol (can ya tell I’m not to keen on rude people?)

Now that brings me to another subject….. I tend to be the kind of person who speaks my mind. It has gotten me into trouble because I have been accused of being rude a couple times in email. and when I have asked others opinions they said I wasn’t ( everyone’s perception is different) so if I ever say anything you take as rude, understand that I am not trying to be.

When I was in line in the bank I started thinking about people I know and an email I read in one of my groups this morning. It was a very long email from a man who is Native American Indian and this email was his catch up life email from the last few months. The trials of life and the rewards it had also brought to him. It brought tears to my eyes…
Now this person has God in his life and I congratulate him for that.. see I have no religion and very little faith in life or people. Someday most of you will understand why if you do read this blog.  Maybe my entry for tomorrow can be more about that.  Now this man has written with words and feeling that most people cannot, or refuse to. it once again renewed just a bit of that faith in something that I had lost. I have to thank him for that. I’m not sure what part or where to go with it yet but I still owe him the credit for it.
He spoke of his culture, his dancing and the intensity of being able to once again do what he so loved. Like I said it moved me to tears. Its comforting to know there are still people in this world who have that. Most of us are without it. Cyborgs in a state of chaos, drills, drudgery and being told how to live what to do and what to think. Do this, follow this, Listen to me, do what I say ( the media is the worst for this) who the hell needs to be fed all the crap they send out to us through the radio, tv internet, newspapers…. I sure don’t!

More later today….

First post… and I am unsure where to start. First off I want to say I hope whoever reads my blogs really enjoys them and if anything gains a bit of something they didn’t have before, knowledge, or a tip or a hint of some kind or even just some insight into what this artist is all about. This blog will be a gathering of thoughts, poetry, events in my everyday life, trials and tribulations of the difficulties I have encountered throughout my life and the joys and rewards of the good times. What do you say?… Want to travel these lines to see where it will take you ? Want to see what makes me tick, what makes me sad, happy and what my motto’s in life are? Sit down, grab a cup of coffee and a yummy chocolate muffin or whatever strikes your fancy and read along with me as who I am and what life is about for me unfolds…

Lets start with this tidbit of  my life… 20 years ago today i gave birth to a baby boy. I named him Cassidy Jaymes. 3 days later I was to never see my child again. He was my first child.  I chose to give him for adoption to a family who had waited 10 years for a child. I do not know if they renamed him or not but i have thought of my child every day since. The reason I gave my child for adoption you ask? I was 19 , too young, no skills and was not ready to devote myself to a child when I couldn’t even devote myself to myself at that time. I do not believe in abortion so adoption was the only right answer.

Today I will share some gradients I made..They are jpg format so if you want to use them open them up in your PSP and use them from there… soon i will learn to make gradients in PSP. these were made in an external program. Enjoy and please leave comments, I would love to know if you like them and want me to do more…..Be kind..lol these are the first I have ever done….

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Contact me: neon.turtle@yahoo.com